I remember after my divorce, I wanted to cut off my hair.  So I did.
I wanted to complete it with a couple of cartwheels under the moonlight and- so I did.
And all I wanted to do was swing as high as I could on a park swing...so I did.

It was my ceremony, my completion.  I was looking at the world differently.  I was responding to it wholefully.  The light entered in through the crack in my heart that day and I did rejoice.  Torn, scarred, but on fire.  An inside fire.  It was ready to burn and leave it's charcoaled ash, so I could become singed and shockingly aware of destruction at it's best.  It was blazed, open, willing...waiting for me to surface and put my small human foot onto it's back and start with new steps.

I had to let go.  I had to let go of him.  I had to let go of who I thought I was supposed to be with him.  I had to let go of all the expectations, all the molds I tried to squeeze into, all the people & cultures I felt I had to live up to.  I had to release the falseness of who I was trying to be, who I was settling to be.

I didn't know how to use my voice to say I was unhappy.  That would mean that I would have to put on the cloak of vulnerability.  It would mean I failed at this marriage thing.  It would mean admitting, that I did not know how to value myself.  It would mean I would have to be okay without carrying his shame.  I would finally have to admit that I didn't deserve to be treated this way.  I would have talk about the dysfunction, the abuse, the isolation.  And, all those sharp comments he made about my unworthiness that felt like barb wire around my heart.  Don't expand...because it will prick you. 

But, I had a daughter.  She deserved a life without this.  Her Being told me it was okay to want a better life.  She'd be okay, really.  So, turning my back on all this and leaving it be, without taking it on needed a Grand Exit.

I cut my hair.

I did cartwheels.

I cried while swinging on a park swing.

I started forgiving.

I burned that old way of limited thinking and start living, healthfully and wholefully.

This was my experience, a very dramatic one at that...into understanding my WORTH. 

I am still forgiving and allowing to be forgiven.

And my daughter...
well she is shining incandescently and understands worth on a level I didn't understand.  That grand exit was lit by her shining light.

Life continues to soften me.
For this I am grateful. 
For this, I walk with intent. 
For this, my dreams materialize quickly and with ease. 
And, life's tide crashes into me...softening me once again.

Spiritual crash landing right into my heart is what I am currently experiencing right now.  A spiritual uprooting is occurring that has left me not knowing much, but knowing more.  Sort of a Buddhist way to put it, but it is how I feel.  It is good, it is really good.  Simplicity has been shattering through illusions in astonishing ways.  I am deeply at peace, deeply in peace and at a greater stance to rock this fabulous life of presence and conscious celebration.

Playtime.

Dress up.

My studio.